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How not to give critical feedback
Manager: [serious tone] Alex, I need to talk to you
Me: Er...ok?
Manager: It's about your face
Me:[long pause] What about my face?
Manager: Well, you have this face that you pull at team meetings
Me: What do you mean?
Manager: You kinda do this [does impression of my face]
Me: Oh! You mean the face where I look bored and disinterested?
Manager: Yes! That's the one!
Me: That's because I am....
The scenario above is real. Well, as real as I remember.
The manager went on to try and explain that as I was a senior member of the team, if I didn't engage then neither would the other people in the team as they looked to me to take the lead.
It was a terrible way to give feedback and I share it often when I'm delivering training as an example of what not to do.
Usually I then go on to share how the same message can be delivered in a more constructive and impactful way.
But this post isn't about how to give feedback. It's about a lesson I learned just a couple of weeks ago from the same anecdote.
I realised, as I was telling the story, that the feedback was given to me 20 years ago.
20 years! That's an incredibly long time to keep remembering and revisiting the same conversation. But that was my realisation. The learning wasn’t about poor feedback—it was about the power of words. About how a badly handled comment from a manager can create a lasting and negative impact for years.
We’ve all had moments where someone’s words, whether well-intended or not, have left a lasting impact. So as people managers, the words we choose, the way we deliver them, and the context in which we say them all matter more than we realise.
Why Words Matter
When a manager speaks, their words don’t just disappear into the air—they stay with people. They shape confidence, motivation, and trust. A flippant remark can chip away at self-belief, while a thoughtful, constructive comment can inspire growth.
Managers have a responsibility to be intentional with their words, particularly in difficult conversations. Whether it’s feedback, a performance discussion, or a tough decision, taking the time to plan what you say—and how you say it—can make the difference between deflation and development.
Preparing for Difficult Conversations
Difficult conversations are inevitable in leadership.
Here are three ways to ensure your words build rather than break:
Pause and Prepare – Don’t rush into conversations without thinking about the impact of your words. What do you want the person to walk away with? How do you want them to feel?
Choose Your Words Carefully – Avoid vague, harsh, or overly critical language. Instead of “You need to be better at this,” try “I’ve noticed this challenge—how can I support you in improving?”
Balance Honesty with Empathy – Directness is important, but it should always be paired with empathy. People need to hear the truth, but they also need to feel supported
Your role as a manager
Think about a piece of feedback you received in your career that has stayed with you. Was it helpful? Did it shape your confidence positively or negatively?
Now consider your own role as a manager. The next time you have to give feedback, approach it with care. Your words will stay with your team far longer than you think—make sure they are words worth remembering for the right reasons.
(And for those of you interested in what happened 20 years ago......I immediately lost all trust and respect for the manager, started applying for new jobs elsewhere and left the organisation soon after.)
If you want to learn how to give feedback effectively and support the people managers in your organisation with handling difficult conversations well, please get in touch.
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